Where I am, right now.

Before I backtrack and tell tales of where I've been and what I've been up to the last few months, I figured that I should tell you where I am right now. I am in the middle of what feels like taking a big step backward. I know that this is not true, that I am actually making strides personally and creatively, but when your body is operating at a much different pace than your mind these details are easy to forget. I was feeling great. Positive and upbeat, my energy and health felt like it was reaching a more even keel. But as my mind started speeding up, my body started slowing back down.

I applied for and was accepted into the Boulder Open Studios, a reality that filled me with utter excitement coupled with anxiety. Now I have to actually do it. Show the world the artist that I am. Suddenly I am faced with a resistance to working, over thinking, and generally getting in my own way. Fortunately, I am self-aware enough to realize what I am doing, and I compensate by attempting to lower my expectation of how many things I can juggle. Good. I am conversing with myself on what it means to be an artist and open your studio doors to the public. Is it about selling or sharing? Does one make me more "successful" than the other? My husband reminds me that with out a single item to sell I am still an artist, and personally my heart is more in the sharing, guiding, and mentoring than the bottom line.

I am also conjuring some grand projects and truth be told, pursuing big dreams is big work. My whole life I felt like I was too young for what I wanted. Always a step ahead, I am not sure I had the maturity or experience to back up what I wanted. It didn't stop me from going for it anyway, and truth be told, we all have different timelines. Now I feel this all over again. I have something to share of this journey that I have been on. But it feels so much bigger than me, will I be able to stretch enough to see this dream come to fruition. There is a glimpse of something more, something bigger, but I am feeling just at the start with so much research and work ahead of me. Will I be more equipped to help and share and heal a year from now? Five years from now? Many questions and few answers. I respond by doing what I can, letting go, and getting to work, bit by bit.